I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
