you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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