take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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