We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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