Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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