i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We need to rekindle our bromance
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
