I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
