Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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