flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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