I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
