if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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