next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
