New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
love makes seman taste better
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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