If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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