If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
