My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
