yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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