Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
