explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
