She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize