Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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