After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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