just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize