My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize