At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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