Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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