woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
