i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
