but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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