i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
