I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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