So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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