i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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