if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
