Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
