my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
sarcasm needs its own font
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
