You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
