So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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