Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
