for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize