if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
