I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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