Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
