Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
