I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
