Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
