the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
