searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize