she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
