He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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