So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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