These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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