why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
