I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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