Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
