I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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