Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
